TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from area. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional position where American Males can don robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is that he need to halt employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental Trump Tower Damascus teams have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD might have change-down service."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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